Divorce can be a stressful, scary, and frustrating experience for everyone involved — especially your children. Factor in the added challenges of assigning primary child custody to a single parent, and your child may feel like they are being left behind by the other. Children rely on stability and predictability in their lives, especially as they grow and change and their lives outside of the house evolve.
When you disrupt that stability with a divorce, it can be challenging for your children to know what is and is not staying the same. Disruption with divorce can lead to several emotional and behavioral issues and increased stress levels in your child’s life. So, what can you do to soften these negative impacts during your divorce?
This article will address some major concerns for children in divorce, parental responsibilities, and tips you can use to minimize the negative impact of divorce on your child’s life.
Major Concerns for Your Child in Divorce
Divorce can be frustrating and complicated for you and your ex, but it can be equally disappointing for your children. Life at home is your only constant, but the world around them constantly changes. Divorce causes a change that many children do not know how to handle.
This can cause several significant concerns for your kids, but the most common ones are as follows.
Change in Relationships
Divorce changes many things, including the relationships between your child and you and your ex. In some situations, your child may become distant from you. In some cases, the child may strive to keep their relationships as they were before. Frequently, however, one connection will change.
Academic and Behavior Problems
Children who go through a divorce from their parents tend to struggle more with behavior issues — such as delinquency, impulsive behavior, academic difficulties, and conduct problems. In addition, research shows that children of divorced or separated parents are more likely to engage in risky sexual behaviors and experience family instability in the future.
Mental Health Problems
Unfortunately, divorce can have lasting effects on your child’s mental health. It is not uncommon for children to develop depression, anxiety, or other mental health problems during or following a divorce. When it comes to potential mental health problems for your child, separation anxiety disorder is one to keep on your radar.
While separation anxiety is a natural part of a child’s development, most children grow out of it by age three. Separation anxiety disorder, however, can come up later in life following significant life stressors or losses — such as parents’ divorce. This disorder can cause considerable problems functioning in social situations, resulting in panic attacks and generalized anxiety disorder.
Blaming You, the Other Parent, or Themselves
Blaming is one of the most common struggles for children in a divorce. It’s rarely the singular cause of a divorce. They may try assigning blame to a single person because that simplifies the world.
The child can often blame themselves, which is most common in children who are in grade school. They may think their parents would still be together if they behaved better in school. Children who are teenagers tend more often to blame one or both parents for the change in their family life.
Parental Responsibilities to Their Child
As parents, you have responsibilities to care for your children — even if you are not the primary guardian. Many concerns and variables show up during a divorce, though it’s essential to recognize what will be consistent through the changes.
Regarding specific parental rights, each divorce will likely be different. For example, you may have joint custody, or you may have almost no visitation rights. The court will decide what rights and duties each parent has based on their specific situations. This decision will impact how each parent can physically play a part in their child’s life. But as far as your responsibilities go for your child, remember that they are still your child.
One responsibility that will not change is a parent’s responsibility to love their child. The impact of divorce will affect your child’s life in many different ways throughout a divorce, but your love will be a vital consistency for them to rely on.
Coping tips in dealing with the Impact of Divorce on Your Child
Without further ado, here are some tips and tricks that can help you ensure that your kids can bounce back from this dramatic change in all of your lives.
Address the Situation as a Family Unit
You can talk to your kids about what is happening. Do not wait until the last minute to tell your child what is happening. Chances are they picked up on the queues.
When you are upfront and honest about what is happening, your child is more likely to trust you later on down the road when you are all adjusting to the new formal.
Reiterate What Things Will Be the Same
As noted earlier, children rely on the structure and predictability of their lives at home. This can significantly disrupt this and stress your child. One way to reduce this stress is to remind them of what will remain the same. Will they be living in the same house primarily? Will they be going to the same school? Will they be on the same sports teams or in the same clubs?
It is also crucial to remind them that throughout all of this, you are still their parents, and you still love them. Remind them that this fact will never change, even if you are not all living together.
Avoid Talking Negatively About the Other Parent
Remember, your previous partner is still your child’s second parent. You cannot change this, and when you (or someone else in your presence) talk negatively about them, it can confuse and frustrate your child. They may be confused and unsure whether or not it is okay for them to love the other parent still. This can be especially true if they blame the other parent for the divorce or recognize that other people see the other parent as at fault. When used extensively, this constant badmouthing can lead to parental alienation, which can have disastrous consequences for the child.
When you show your child that you respect their other parent, you allow them to do the same and make their own decisions about their feelings. On the other hand, if you constantly badmouth or let your family and friends badmouth your ex, your child can become even more confused and feel guilty for not feeling the same way.
Avoid Saying Too Much
You want to let your child know what is going on, but you don’t need to overshare. You don’t want to sugarcoat things too much, but you also do not want to overshare; your child doesn’t need to know how much their parents are giving/receiving in child support. Remember, you are speaking to your speak trusted friend or therapist. They are just as affected by this new arrangement as you are; there is no reason to make it more stressful for them.
Do Not Make the Child Choose a Side
Yes, your child is your child, but they are also your exes. You cannot change this fact, and your child likely still wants to have a relationship with both of you. You should respect this wish and not make it a one-or-the-other situation. Making a child choose a side can put unnecessary stress on your child and cause them to distance themselves from both of you.
Use Consistent Discipline
Kids are still developing and learning how to behave in certain situations. A consistent set of rules can help them better understand how to behave in different situations and give them the powers they need to position and secure. There are five primary types of rules that all children need to grow up safely. These are safety rules, morality rules, healthy habits, social skills, and real-world preparation.
Creating a balance between enough rules without overwhelming your children with rules for everything can be challenging. But, when you find this balance, your children can grow up much better and more prepared for the world.
Introduce New Partners Slowly
Introducing a new partner can be incredibly harmful if done abruptly. Your child may still be processing the divorce and the idea that you and your ex are no longer together. Be gentle, and give your child time to work through their feelings.
Your happiness matters, and if a new partner makes you happy, do not feel you have to hide them from your child — this can make them suspicious and less trusting. But be gentle and slow with the introductions.
Do Not Use Your Child to Relay Messages
Your child is not your messenger. There are many ways that technology can help you, co-parents, such as apps and calendars. You can also simply contact your ex over the phone if you do not want to speak with them in person, but do not use your child to relay messages. Using your child to relay a message can put them in an awkward spot between you. Additionally, it can often lead to more miscommunications and misunderstandings than you’d have if you just spoke to your ex yourself.
Remind Them That They Are Not to Blame
Reminding kids that they are not to blame is one of the essential tips you can follow as a parent going through a divorce. But a simple, one-time comment is not enough here. Kids need to hear that they are not to blame for the divorce multiple times.
As mentioned earlier, younger children will often blame themselves for the divorce. And this stems not from a place of self-loathing but simply from a psychological standpoint. Children from the ages of two to around seven are still within the preoperational stage of development.
In this stage, children typically cannot see situations from other perspectives. Children also usually cannot think about more than one aspect of a problem at a time and change their perception of a sequence of events. In other words, kids of this age cannot effectively process that something is not their fault if they have interpreted it this way.
While you cannot change how your children think because their brains are still developing, you can take steps to prevent them from internalizing the blame. The more you can reinforce this message — that the divorce is not their fault — the better.
Conclusion
Figuring out how to navigate divorce and care for your child simultaneously can be challenging, but remember, you are not the only one having a hard time. The above tips can help make the process less scary and stressful for your child and help you reduce the negative impacts this divorce may have on your child in the long run.
If you are considering divorce but worried about the process taking too much of a toll on your child or children, you may want to reach an attorney who can help you reach an agreement that is best for all parties involved — including your children. You can contact our family law attorneys in Philadelphia to get in touch with a dedicated attorney who will help you discover the best path for you and your child.
